Oh great.
Insomnia.
Last night this was me, but throw in a heaping helping of audition agony/panic.
Loverman was passed out cold, snoring obliviously next to me. I suppose I should have gazed happily at him rejoicing in the wonder that is his fragile life, his eyelids fluttering, his heart beating somewhere inside his darkness.
Instead I wanted to fake a nightmare so he would wake up and hold me.
My waking anxieties are worse than most nightmares. (With the exception of the ones where all my teeth fall out.) And somehow having somebody sleeping peacefully next to me makes things worse. Like I don't want to wake them so I try to hold completely still, but that just makes me feel even more trapped.
I went through a period last year where I didn't deal with this. I was in the middle of doing a show, I was going out every night, I was making new friends and starting the loverman affair. I slept like a baby.
This is not usual for me. Even as a child I would have night terrors. During my last (bad) relationship (5 years lost), I frequently felt these feelings of entrapment, and after the 1st year I wouldn't have even contemplated waking up the man next to me to comfort me. And then after I left him, I had a few months of intense anxiety, but it lessened as I came to terms with myself and my new life.
But still I go through these periods of fear, these sleepless nights, at least once every couple of months. And lately it's been getting worse again.
I want to ask if this is normal, I want to ask if I'm doing something wrong, that I have to deal with this. But I know it doesn't matter. It has to stop because I want to change my life, and I don't want having the man I love sleeping next to me to be a burden. I want it to be a blessing.
And Tylenol PM is expensive.
